How do I tell my family?

ACS Answer

A cancer diagnosis is overwhelming not only to the patient, but also to the patient's friends and relatives. People often don't know what to say. They may feel sad and worried about upsetting you, or they may be afraid. It is sometimes easier for people to stay away. Some people find it easier to talk, and still others may become overly considerate. There are no absolute rights and wrongs when dealing with people because everyone copes differently. However, here are a few suggestions to help you help your friends and loved ones: 

• Tell your friends and family what is going on. They will learn, sooner or later, that you have cancer. They will feel hurt and left out if you do not tell them.
• If you or your family members usually don't like to talk about certain personal issues, it's OK not to open up completely to everyone.
• Explain what kind of cancer you have, which treatments will be necessary, and that a cancer diagnosis is not a death sentence.
• Explain that cancer is not contagious (they can't catch it).
• Find out what they feel, and try to answer their questions.
• It is usually easier to express emotions than to hide them. Having other people know helps you and loved ones to share strength and concern to your mutual benefit.
• It's OK to wonder, "Why me?" or to feel sad. These feelings are normal and change as time goes on.
• Tell people, kindly, that you'd rather not talk at a particular time if you don't feel up to it just then. Sometimes family members can do that for you.
• Realize that you may be a target for anger, but that you are not the cause. Anger is sometimes the first way people express fear.
• It is OK to be direct with others and to express your needs and feelings.
• Your roles will probably need to change so you can focus on treatment. You may not be able to do all that you have been doing.
• Allow friends and family to help you, but be specific about the kind of help you need.
• As much as possible, try to keep a sense of normalcy in your family while you are receiving treatment. Your family should try to keep doing the things they always did (for example, playing bridge, fishing, exercising, playing basketball) without a sense of guilt.
• Get help if you feel overwhelmed. Ask your nurse, doctor, or minister for help or a referral, or contact your local unit of the American Cancer Society.
• Many patients and their families find it very helpful to attend support groups for individuals facing cancer.

Do not

• Ignore or neglect the need of a friend or relative to open up and talk with you
• Ignore your own need to talk with someone
• Set up a false front, or a "happy face," when you don't feel that way. It is the other person's problem if he or she can't handle your true feelings.

Call the doctor

• If you are feeling overwhelmed
• If you want a referral to counselor or support group

Related Resources

Get more information about talking about your cancer diagnosis.

Get more information about caregiving issues from AARP and the Family Caregiver Alliance.

Find books that cover this and other cancer topics at the American Cancer Society bookstore.

Recommended Consultation

You should consider discussing this topic with your doctor or health care team.

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